July 5th

July 5th. As I lay in (Nolan's) bed in the wee hours of the morning, I can't help but wonder if it will always be like this. Over the years to come, will there one day be a day where I don't wake up in the middle of the night on this day and remember all the little details of their birth? That feeling of fear I had as I sat on the edge of the table in that OR getting my spinal block, not knowing if James would make it on time. Or the fear of not knowing if my babies would be okay. The relief I felt when they all three came out crying. The mixed emotions that flooded through me while I lay in recovery, eagerly waiting to be wheeled up to the NICU so I could finally meet my babies. Excitement. Anticipation. Frustration. Longing. The joy I felt when I saw each of them and all their tiny little features. The deep desire to hold them but not being able to. The adrenaline of that whole day and how I refused to rest because I just wanted to be with my babies. Will I always remember it all so vividly? Or will these feelings and memories one day fade? I truly can't believe they're three. They're little boys. No longer can I get away with calling them babies, even though these sweet little boys will always be my babies. Happy Birthday, Oliver. Happy Birthday, Nolan. Happy Birthday, Lucas. Thank you for letting me be your Mommy. I love you all more than anything!