infertile.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines infertile as: not fertile or productive; incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy.  Dictionary.com has a similar definition, only adds the words sterile and barren.

All my life this word has been a fear of mine.  Not for any particular reason.  I didn't have any reason to believe something was wrong with me...that I couldn't have kids.  But yet, to me, it's always been one of the saddest things I could possibly imagine.  Not getting the chance to be a mom?  Literally my worst nightmare.

This nightmare became a reality to James and me this past summer.  After (roughly) a year of trying to conceive, we both started undergoing some tests.  In July, it was confirmed that we could not get pregnant on our own.  The news was, of course, devastating....yet, after a year of monthly letdowns and breakbreaks, I think we were kind of expecting to hear that.

My doctor referred us to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist), so we made an appointment with them to discuss our options.  We met with Dr. Brabec from RRC (the Reproductive Resource Center) on September 24th.  That was the day things changed for us.  We were given a sense of hope that, for a year, didn't exist in our lives.  We were told that our best (only?) bet would be to do IVF.  Again, this recommedation didn't really come as a shock to us.  It was kind of what we were expecting to hear.  Our appointment that day lasted about 3 hours.  We had our IVF consultation and also both did some tests and lab work.  When we left the doctor's office, we both knew this was what we were going to do.  It wasn't "normal" and it wasn't "fair", but it was our reality.

And that's the reality that we've been living for the last 3 weeks.  Since we have begun our IVF cycle, I've taken 50 pills, given myself 5 shots in the stomach, had my blood drawn 3 different times, had 3 ultrasounds, and one very painful procedure (sonohysterogram).  This is all just the beginning.  This Sunday, I will go from one shot a day to three.  I'm on my way to becoming a big emotional, hormonal mess.

BUT...it's all for a good reason.  And I have full confidence and faith that it will all work out for us.

2013 is going to be our year.  I really do believe it.  We will no longer have to fake smiles at our friends who excitedly annouce, "We're pregnant!"  And we will no longer have to feel the pain of another unsuccessful month rolling by. 

It's going to be our turn.  And we couldn't be more excited...